A Mother's Loss, A Mother's Love
I have always considered myself a go with the flow, live life as it comes type of person. But all that changed a year and a half ago. Pregnant with my second son, I found myself driving into the hospital the day before my due date; not because I was in labor, but because I hadn’t felt him move in quite a bit of time. With my one year old son in tow, I remember filling my car with upbeat music the entire way there not expecting the tragedy that would unravel through the night.
My Cameron was born in the wee hours the next morning, but only stayed earthside a few days before leaving to fly with angels. In the days and months to come, my body went through all of the postpartum things, painful milk-filled breasts and severe hair loss, accompanied by the constant reminder of what my body had endured from the c-section with every move. My mind and body wanted to shut down, but instead I leaned on my faith, dug deep down and continued to move through life.
I am writing this today holding a perfect 3 week old baby girl. And though she is here and real, fear and anxiety have continued to plague my thoughts. I find myself worrying constantly about the health and well-being of my family, wondering if at any moment I will get a dreaded call. Fear has kept me from sleep and has disrupted my overall peace. But I refuse to allow it to keep me from living. I am finding that even in writing this, bringing my deepest thoughts and feelings to life in black and white, is in a way therapeutic. Losing my baby is by far the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Trying to remain present for my family and myself required parts of me that I didn’t realize existed. But looking back, and even looking at myself today, I am realizing my own strength. It is my hope that whoever reads this story is given that extra push to KEEP GOING even in the darkest situations. And hopefully with the help of Peloton I can continue this healing journey for myself, both mentally and physically.